Parenting Conundrum

I've been duped. A little over 6 years ago we decided to have kids. I felt wholly prepared. I watched Roseanne and Married with Children, so I knew how NOT to mess up my kids (special thanks to Mom and Dad for contributing to that knowledge database as well). I watched The Cosby Show and Full House, and I read the parenting books. I felt like I had a pretty good handle on what to expect and how to deal with every tricky situation, from those tough, uncomfortable questions to emotional matters to skinned knees.

And then I had a child. Not one of those shows prepared me for delivery room drama or boundary stomping relatives. They didn't cover what to do when your child decides to cover herself from head to toe in Vaseline on a suede couch. I was at a loss for what to do for those mystery sicknesses, when your child has a 103 degree fever at home, but comes in at 99.2 at the doctor's office. Parenting is not as easy as I thought it would be. But that's okay, we are enjoying the ride.

We have, however, hit a unique speed bump that, all joking aside, was not covered in parenting books, or on the wholesome, or even not-so-wholesome family shows. What to do when your child is "special needs." I have to say, I am really hesitant on using that term when it comes to R. There are many parents and children who struggle so much more than we do. I don't want to compare myself or my daughter to them and claim the same amount of troubles. But, I find that with ADHD and anxiety, my daughter does in fact have special needs that are outside the scope of so-called "normal" children. And these needs present a very unique parenting conundrum.

I'll start with the ADHD problem first. ADHD is a chemical imbalance in the brain. My daughter cannot simply decide to override that imbalance than she can decide to develop telepathy. And Heaven help us all if she were able to accomplish that last one! One of the side-effects from this imbalance is a lack of impulse control. This means that when T is bothering R, R cannot take the time to stop, evaluate her emotions and what she wants to do, which is hit her sister, and think of the consequences before doing so. Instead, she goes from 0 to 60 in a split second, lashes out, and then realizes she did something wrong. She is always very apologetic afterwards. Even so, this behavior is not acceptable. It is not okay for T to get hurt because of R's lack of control. This behavior needs to stop. But how do you punish someone for something they cannot control, especially at this age? I have no doubt that as she gets older, she will gain more control, but at the ripe young age of 6, that time just has not come. 


Now, the anxiety. I know girls can be self-conscious about what they wear, but R takes this to the extremes. Example:  We are going to the beach. We have to walk a ways to get there. I have the kids put on their suits, and then shorts and a t-shirt over it. Hell breaks loose! She is so afraid that she looks bad that she won't let her dad or her sister even look at her. She hides from them. I have to show her in the mirror that it looks okay. I have to take a picture of her so she can see that. I have to go online and Google other people wearing this style. And she is an emotional wreck all through this. 

Another place it crops up is at karate. If there are new kids in her class, she won't go out on the mat. If there is a teacher's helper that she doesn't know, she won't go out in class. This is beyond normal shyness. This is paralysis. If someone she isn't close to speaks to her, she freezes up, turns to me, and won't look anywhere else. She won't respond most of the time. 

One face of anxiety is perfectionism. It needs to be done just right, and she is afraid of failure as a result. If she can't do something, it's a tragedy. If she does attempt something, and the feels, real or imagined, that she is being judged, made fun of, or gets embarrassed, it causes a meltdown.

On to the parenting dilemma. One aspect of anxiety is catastrophizing minor events. For example, she is in karate, and is working hard, and works up a thirst. She asks for a drink, the teacher says no, not yet. She bursts into tears. She then gets yelled at by the teacher for crying in class AGAIN. While I agree that she cannot cry every time she doesn't get what she wants, yelling at her and shaming her for a behavior she cannot control is not the answer. Figuring out how to handle this type of situation is difficult. I don't want to coddle her. I don't want her to learn that crying is the answer. But she's six year old child with the emotional maturity of a much younger child. How do I balance meeting her emotional needs with teaching her how to handle the situations? And even once I do show her how to handle them, I can't make her utilize those skills. Again, this will change in time, but for now, it's a tricky situation
 
Figuring all of this out has become especially painful for me. When she was 4 years old, after sitting next to Santa and telling him what she wanted for Christmas, she walked away and then burst into tears. I asked what was wrong, and she told me she didn't think Santa was coming to her house because she was such a bad kid.When my 6 year old throws herself in my arms, sobbing that she is a bad girl, she doesn't know why she acts this way, and "why is it so hard?!"  R also suffers from nightmares. She told me she thinks God sends her nightmares because she is such a bad kid. It breaks my heart.

Now, if you have read this far and are expecting eye-opening advice and how to solve these parenting pickles, well, you're going to be sorely disappointed. I will admit that I have a very selfish reason in writing this post. First, it's quite cathartic. Second, because her issues are all in her brain, and she looks like a perfectly normal child, even I can forget the struggle that she faces at a daily basis. It's hard for me to not have the "why can't you get this through your head?" thoughts. Writing this allows me to take a step back and remember what she is experiencing, and that I have to handle myself accordingly. 

So what do I do about it? For now, we've worked out a system where the first time she hits (never hard, thankfully) she is given a warning. If she hits, kicks, pushes, pokes, pulls hair, etc she will be sent to her room to clean it. If she does it again after that, she gets to clean the playroom. I really can't think of what else to do. Time-outs are a battle. Spanking has no effect except to make us both feel terrible inside, and it damages our relationship. Also, I've resorted to bribery. If she gets out on the mat without any issues, does what she is supposed to do in class with no crying, she gets iPad time on the way home. Bribery, positive reinforcements, incentives, whatever you want to call it, it seems to help.

Now I want to know if any of you readers have experienced something similar. How do you handle these situations? What has worked? What's made it worse? Chime in!