The Many Faces of ADHD

One of the most well known, and misunderstood, side effects of ADHD is the lack of focus. First of all, let me clarify that up for all of you "focused" types. We are not unfocused, we are merely focused on a myriad of things at once, and this can lead to interesting experiences, both comical and unfortunate.

They say that one of the best ways to keep focus is to develop a routine. Do things in the same order every time. For those of you focused people, this makes things easier, but it's not a necessity. Let me walk you through what happens to one of us focus-impaired if we don't follow a routine:

I'm taking a shower. I get in and start thinking about what I need to do that day, and what I did yesterday, whether or not that bathtub crayon will come off with regular tub cleaner, or if I need to buy heavy duty cleaner that will not only strip the crayon off but most likely dissolve bone should the need arise. I lather up my right leg, and start shaving away. Shoot! I wanted to shampoo my hair and then let the conditioner sit while I shaved my legs, like I usually do. Oh well. I'll just do that after this leg. Back to my imaginary conversation (most likely it's the one where I wished I had said something witty to someone, and failed. Now I'm getting it right). Leg is shaved. Hair is shampooed. Hair is conditioned. Shaved the armpits. Lathered and rinsed with Caress (because before you dress, Caress). Great shower!  Mental to do list is complete, and I'm sparkly clean, and I have redeemed myself with quick comebacks. Toweling off....why does my left leg look like a Yeti? Did I shave my right one twice? Have I developed super human follicle powers? Will they want to conduct experiments on me?! Will they want to probe me?  Ha! No. I just did things out of order, and that's what happens. Time for shower part deux.  I wish I could say this is the first time it's taken multiple showers to complete the job, but no. I've forgotten to rinse conditioner, and have even come out covered in bubbles, because I am focusing on too many things at once.

That's how it effects me. I have inattentive ADHD, more than the hyper kind. My daughter, however, is full of the hyper kind, as well as inattentive. Her struggle is much more real, for lack of a better word. I can't tell you how many conversations have been interrupted by the clichéd, "Oh, look! A squirrel!" She's too young to know how stereotypical that is, and so hubby and I laugh and laugh each time.

But it goes beyond that. You see, we enrolled her in karate. While this has been great for her, it is also comically cruel. "R! Focus! R, stop touching him! R, pay attention! R! Hold still! R, stop watching the other class!" You can usually hear all of those being said to her within a 10 minute time span. Sometimes it's really hard to hear. My heart breaks for her. I'm tired of hearing her getting yelled at for something she can't help. Luckily she it hasn't seemed to effect her self-esteem....yet.

Other times, it's gold. Picture this: My tiny waif of a girl is all suited up to spar. She's got on her huge sparring gloves and boots, and her hat that squishes her cheeks up like a chipmunk's. So adorable. She's fighting a larger boy and doing a pretty great job of holding her own. That is until she notices that the class next to her is practicing blocks by pretending to sword fight. She stops in the middle of her fight, turns around, and is entranced by their class. BAM! A punch right to the back of her head. She is incredulous! Why in the world would anybody punch her in the head?! What are they thinking?? It's not as if....oh wait. Yes. Realization dawns. She was in the middle of a fight. Just to see the expressions flash across her face like that was comical. I'm sure I wouldn't feel the same if she weren't wearing protective gear, but hey, we need to laugh at ourselves when we can.

And then there are times I want to cheer for her ADHD superpowers! I can't tell you how many times she's been focused on everything around her to the point where it looks like she's not paying attention to anything, or it looks like she's just gabbing with her friends. But, boy, her little mind takes it all in. "R! Are you paying attention? What did I just say?" asks the smug teacher who thinks he has her caught. And word for word, my little repeats his last sentence. HA! Or she'll stop in the middle of a complicated hand sequence to watch the fly buzzing around above her. When it's gone, she'll pick right back up where she left off as if nothing happened. She's amazing.

You may think you know what ADHD is. You may think it's that problem kid that just won't listen. It's the kid on the street that's always in trouble. It's the child at the playground that is all over the place. It's the guy in the office that just checks out mentally. Yeah, that's us. But there's so much more to it. We are all over the place, and we are accomplishing so much at the same time. We are going over out To-Do lists, checking it twice, winning a debate, figuring out how that thingy over there works, watching those people over there do that thing they're doing, planning the week's meals, remembering a lesson we learned a few days ago, and remembering where we left our car keys....all while you are staring at us wondering what's wrong with us.

Excuses Vs Explanations

Just like many people confuse "affect" with "effect" so do they have a hard time with "excuse" and "explanation." I can see how that is. Both of them are given when something doesn't go according to plan. Both of them start with "ex." I'm sure there's a myriad of other reasons they get confused, but don't worry, I'll help clear it up.

Let's look at this case study:  My mom used to LOVE to call me up late at night, drunk off her butt. She made it into a slurred art form. It got to the point where she was as predictable as Ol' Faithful. She would start out all lovey dovey, move into the I Feel Like There is Something Wrong With Our Relationship conversation, and that would quickly turn into the Let Me Tell You Everything Wrong With You and Your Family portion of the program. When she started insulting my then 2 year old, I told her she was never to call me drunk again. I was told that she couldn't hold herself to that standard. It wasn't her fault. She had a hard life. Her parents were alcoholics. I couldn't know what she had been through.

Those, my friends, are excuses. Those are reasons why she acts the way she does. And here's the key, there's no intention of changing. Don't get me wrong, I feel for her and her tough life. But so few people have an easy life. That's not an excuse. Now that she knows, and acknowledges, the why's of her drinking, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Get help. Join AA. Make changes. Especially since she already knows why she does it. Some people need years of therapy just to get down to the root of their problem. There is no reason for this behavior to continue now that we know why it exists.

Excuses are limiting. They are reasons why a person simply cannot do more. Explanations, on the other hand, explain a behavior, but give the hope for a change. "Oh, I'm sorry I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning for you, sir. I have a medical problem that causes me to forget. I will try to do better. I will leave myself reminders." That is an explanation. We now know why it happened. And we know what will be done about it in the future.

Aside from dear old mumsy, this topic hits close to home. With myself and R having ADHD, we do face some difficult issues. It is so hard for us to remember to do things. Simple things. We have a reason, an explanation. But I hear others use ADHD as an excuse, "We can't be expected to do that! We have ADHD after all!"

NO! (imagine me slamming my hand down on a desk. It's much more dramatic that way) I will not accept this! That is admitting defeat. That is saying that there are things that I will not be able to do because of those 4 letters. That means that my little girl will be limited in what she can accomplish in her life. NO!

My daughter is amazing. I am amazing. Many people with ADHD are amazing. Some are not. But that's just the numbers game. But most are! We will not be told that we cannot do something. We will not use it as an excuse, as a crutch. We will work harder. We will overcome this obstacle, and we will shine!*

*I heard dramatic music swelling in the background. Did you?!

The Big Decision

"Oh. I could never do that. I don't have the patience" or "Aren't you worried about socialization?" and even, "Why did you even have kids in the first place?!" These are all questions I get when I tell people that we homeschool. Deciding to homeschool was the one of the best parenting decisions hubby and I ever made, but the decision to do so wasn't easy, and it certainly didn't happen overnight.

One day, shortly before preschool graduation, we went past where her new school would be. We looked at it, and I said, "R, this will be your school next year! Can you imagine?" and then with a big smile I sat and I pictured how it would go. I imagined her first day of school. I'd walk her to her classroom, give her a big hug and kiss and hide my tears as I watched her meet her new friends. A few hours later I'd pick her up and we'd have a nice lunch as we talked about how well it went. The first day of my baby being a real big kid.

That fantasy lasted until Kindergarten registration. The first thing I noticed was that Kindergarten was not half days. I panicked! How could my barely 5 year old go from 7 hours a week in school to 7 hours a day in school?! Then I saw a small little box on the form off to the side for this option.  I felt much better....until I went inside and spoke to the principal. I wanted to ask him about the half days, much to his dismay. He wanted to "strenuously discourage" us from pursuing that option as their curriculum was "extremely rigorous." The hell?! She's barely 5! What kind of rigor does she need at this point?! I suggested that I could homeschool her the remainder of the day for what she missed. He did not bother to hide his disdain and skepticism of this idea. He told me that no other kids were using this option, and that my daughter would pretty much be social outcast. Please! That's a label she should be able to earn on her own, not get handed to her based on her school hours.

I looked for another way to make this situation more acceptable. I asked about rest times. I was told there were no rest times, but if kids started to get fidgety, they'd be allowed to get a drink of water. Yeah. That'll nip that restlessness in the bud! Everyone knows what kids really need is proper hydration, not exercise. Besides, how long do you think before R caught on to that little trick?  Not to mention the numerous potty breaks she'd need after spending half a day at the fountain, based on how fidgety she is.

The rest of my fantasy quickly crumbled. I would not be allowed to walk her to her classroom. I had to drop her off in the front of the building and just trust that she made it inside and to the right classroom. If I didn't want to just eject her from the vehicle at a slow roll, I had to find a parking spot to walk her to the door. Guess where the guest parking was? Boxed in next to the drop off line. So I would have to wait in the long line of parents waiting to drop off their little bundles of joy and run just to get a spot, and then I'd have to wait for an opening to be able to get out of the spot. Not to mention that the kids have to cross in front of the bus lane just to get from their vehicle to the sidewalk. Don't get me wrong, there are people who I'd love see play human Frogger, but most days, not my offspring.

My huge grin that I wore when I imagined my daughter's first day of school quickly turned into tears. This was a nightmare. My daughter had to run a gauntlet just to get to a class that would be entirely too long and rigorous for her to handle. When she came home at the end of the day I would be left with an incredibly cranky child that still had hours of homework thanks to their strenuous curriculum. After forcing her through this homework, we had just enough time to squeeze in a meal and hopefully a bath before bed.

I felt like I just lost my daughter. No more fun times except for the weekend. No more night walks on those pleasant weekday evenings. No more laughter. No time for playing, and even if there was time, it would be filled with fighting and tears because she was exhausted and didn't get a nap. My wonderfully challenging daughter was about to be replaced with an exhausted, cranky monster. I felt like I had shared custody of my kid with the school, but the school was the one who got all the quality time. I was left with damage control. I cried. I felt like I was mourning my child. This may seem dramatic, but there were times when this is how I felt.

I started throwing around the idea of homeschooling. At first I discussed homeschooling for a half of a day with my husband. He was skeptical about it and had a hard time getting past the social stigma connected to it. I mentioned it to my daughter's preschool teacher when she started having problems and was getting diagnosed for ADHD and anxiety. She gave me a look of insulted disdain. After several school shootings being on the news, I mentioned it to my dad. He screamed in my face, "Why did you even have kids?!" My step-mom piped up with, "Our kids went to public school and turned out just fine." The truth behind that statement is debatable.

After much thought, discussion, and research we took the plunge and withdrew R from public school. We faced ridicule, weird looks, unintentionally rude comments, heck, even some intentionally rude comments. But this is easily one of the best decisions we have made when it comes to parenting. Homeschooling is actually a blast! We learn what we want, when we want. We play. We go on field trips. We enjoy learning. And not a week goes by that something in the news or heard on the grapevine doesn't pop up to reaffirm our decision.

Oh, and if you're worried about her socialization skills, I just had to wait 20 minutes while she had a conversation with the parent of one of her teenage karate friends. She's got this.

All Kids Are Like That.....Right??

People often ask me at what point I knew my daughter had ADHD. That's not as easy of a question as you might think! When she was an infant, she was....off. She hated being in a stroller. You'd think we were torturing her if we attempted to put her in for a walk. Maybe we were. When she was old enough to be in a high chair, she'd all of a sudden do this weird little vibrating thing. We were so freaked out we took videos to give the pediatrician. We were positive there was some sort of neurological disorder going on in there. Talk about foreshadowing! .

I clearly remember asking the doctor if there was a chance she had ADHD at her 3 year wellness check-up. The doctor looked at me as if I were insane, and told me it was much too soon to tell. All kids are like that! I had my doubts, but went along with it. After all, she spent trunk loads of money to know this stuff, right?

But it got worse. Dinner time was a game of musical chairs, and she didn't care that she was the only one playing. Up and down, over and over and over and over. I often joked that she had the attention span of a gnat. But, really, weren't all kids like that??

Discipline became a daily struggle. More days than not included both of us sobbing. Why wasn't anything working?! Spanking just made me feel bad. She'd giggle through it half of the time. Time outs were a joke. Maybe I was doing them wrong? I researched and researched. I channeled my inner Super Nanny. We did reward charts. We tried everything. Nothing worked. I was a failure as a parent. I was going to have the delinquent bully child that everyone on the block hated. Parenting wasn't for me. Everyone else just knew how to do it. Not me. Because I assumed all kids were like that and I just couldn't cut it.

Things took a turn after we enrolled her into pre-school. Things went fine for the first half of the year. And very, very suddenly, everything changed. R stopped wanting to go into the classroom. She would stay out in the hall and give me extra hugs. She would talk about how she was going to miss me so much. When I would pick her up from school 2 hours later, I'd ask the teacher how she did. I started getting reports that R couldn't stand in line with the rest of the class. She was impatient. She wouldn't stop talking during quiet time. She wouldn't stay in her chair during art. She wouldn't stay in just one spot on the rug during story time. She couldn't keep her hands to herself. I tried talking to other Mommy friends about it. I was told all kids do that! Again, what was I doing wrong??

By the end of the year, the teacher would just silently shake her head when I asked how R had done that day. No words necessary. On the last day, I was told by the teacher that medication would help my daughter.  This was a slap in the face. How dare she suggest my child need drugged?! But...she was right. Not about the medication, but about there being more. It is an odd feeling to be equally outraged and validated at the same time.

We enrolled her in karate. She couldn't stand at attention for as long as her peers the same age could. She couldn't keep her hands to herself. She would freak out when standing next to the swinging punching bags. (R has always been deathly afraid of anything swinging or blowing. The mere thought of a mobile will have her sobbing) If there was a new teacher or student, she would shut down completely. She had anxiety. One of the other moms reassured me:  All kids are like that. But at this point I couldn't shake the feeling that something more was going on.

We started the long process of getting her evaluated. Many doctors, some more obnoxious than the others, and evaluations later, we came to the diagnosis of ADHD along with Anxiety. A double whammy. The two like to fuel each other, which makes for fun times.

Now I know:  All kids are NOT like this! I can breathe a smidge easier! I'm not a failure of a parent. I am blessed with a child who sees and experiences things differently. I'm not disciplining wrong per say....just wrong for R. Now that I understand what is going on in that tiny little brain of hers (that holds so much knowledge already!) I can tailor my actions and reactions to her behavior better. I can figure out her triggers, and try to head them off. I can understand which behaviors she can control, and which ones are due to lack of impulse control. Knowing the difference really does mean all the world in how you discipline.

Do we still have hard days? You betcha! Do I still look around for that band of gypsies my dad threatened to sell me to? Absolutely! But we are living, loving, and learning amid the chaos.

Welcome to My Chaos

I finally did it. I broke down and jumped on the blogging bandwagon.  So, without further ado, a little about myself. I am from Northeast Ohio. I am the product of two people who probably shouldn't have been more than a one night stand, with protection. We'll revisit this later, I promise.

As I write this, my family is crowded around me. My husband is scolding my whippet mix for eating a hole in the basement wall, my golden retriever mix is wrestling with R, and T is just squealing and flicking the lights on and off.  All of this chaos within a 4 square foot area. This is my life. I'm a stay-at-home mama to two littles: R has somehow lived to the ripe old age of 6, going on 17. T is still an innocent at 3 and a half. I've been married nearly a decade to a wonderful man who is both my rock and anchor, and my third kid, depending on the day.

We have opted out of public school and instead we started on the homeschool journey. This is far more terrifying than a game of Oregon Trail, where one wrong decision means little Tommy has diphtheria.  No, now every decision dictates whether or not my kids will ever be successful enough to live on their own. It is all on my shoulders. No blaming the school system for letting us down.

Mother Nature, ever the prankster, has decided to spice it up a bit for us. She has generously bestowed upon us the gifts of ADHD and Anxiety. R and I both enjoy and/or suffer from each. The dual combinations of us each having both provides for both humorous situations, and daily struggles.

And this is me in a nutshell. Thank you for joining me on this adventure while we live, love, and learn amid this chaos that we call life.