Parenting Conundrum

I've been duped. A little over 6 years ago we decided to have kids. I felt wholly prepared. I watched Roseanne and Married with Children, so I knew how NOT to mess up my kids (special thanks to Mom and Dad for contributing to that knowledge database as well). I watched The Cosby Show and Full House, and I read the parenting books. I felt like I had a pretty good handle on what to expect and how to deal with every tricky situation, from those tough, uncomfortable questions to emotional matters to skinned knees.

And then I had a child. Not one of those shows prepared me for delivery room drama or boundary stomping relatives. They didn't cover what to do when your child decides to cover herself from head to toe in Vaseline on a suede couch. I was at a loss for what to do for those mystery sicknesses, when your child has a 103 degree fever at home, but comes in at 99.2 at the doctor's office. Parenting is not as easy as I thought it would be. But that's okay, we are enjoying the ride.

We have, however, hit a unique speed bump that, all joking aside, was not covered in parenting books, or on the wholesome, or even not-so-wholesome family shows. What to do when your child is "special needs." I have to say, I am really hesitant on using that term when it comes to R. There are many parents and children who struggle so much more than we do. I don't want to compare myself or my daughter to them and claim the same amount of troubles. But, I find that with ADHD and anxiety, my daughter does in fact have special needs that are outside the scope of so-called "normal" children. And these needs present a very unique parenting conundrum.

I'll start with the ADHD problem first. ADHD is a chemical imbalance in the brain. My daughter cannot simply decide to override that imbalance than she can decide to develop telepathy. And Heaven help us all if she were able to accomplish that last one! One of the side-effects from this imbalance is a lack of impulse control. This means that when T is bothering R, R cannot take the time to stop, evaluate her emotions and what she wants to do, which is hit her sister, and think of the consequences before doing so. Instead, she goes from 0 to 60 in a split second, lashes out, and then realizes she did something wrong. She is always very apologetic afterwards. Even so, this behavior is not acceptable. It is not okay for T to get hurt because of R's lack of control. This behavior needs to stop. But how do you punish someone for something they cannot control, especially at this age? I have no doubt that as she gets older, she will gain more control, but at the ripe young age of 6, that time just has not come. 


Now, the anxiety. I know girls can be self-conscious about what they wear, but R takes this to the extremes. Example:  We are going to the beach. We have to walk a ways to get there. I have the kids put on their suits, and then shorts and a t-shirt over it. Hell breaks loose! She is so afraid that she looks bad that she won't let her dad or her sister even look at her. She hides from them. I have to show her in the mirror that it looks okay. I have to take a picture of her so she can see that. I have to go online and Google other people wearing this style. And she is an emotional wreck all through this. 

Another place it crops up is at karate. If there are new kids in her class, she won't go out on the mat. If there is a teacher's helper that she doesn't know, she won't go out in class. This is beyond normal shyness. This is paralysis. If someone she isn't close to speaks to her, she freezes up, turns to me, and won't look anywhere else. She won't respond most of the time. 

One face of anxiety is perfectionism. It needs to be done just right, and she is afraid of failure as a result. If she can't do something, it's a tragedy. If she does attempt something, and the feels, real or imagined, that she is being judged, made fun of, or gets embarrassed, it causes a meltdown.

On to the parenting dilemma. One aspect of anxiety is catastrophizing minor events. For example, she is in karate, and is working hard, and works up a thirst. She asks for a drink, the teacher says no, not yet. She bursts into tears. She then gets yelled at by the teacher for crying in class AGAIN. While I agree that she cannot cry every time she doesn't get what she wants, yelling at her and shaming her for a behavior she cannot control is not the answer. Figuring out how to handle this type of situation is difficult. I don't want to coddle her. I don't want her to learn that crying is the answer. But she's six year old child with the emotional maturity of a much younger child. How do I balance meeting her emotional needs with teaching her how to handle the situations? And even once I do show her how to handle them, I can't make her utilize those skills. Again, this will change in time, but for now, it's a tricky situation
 
Figuring all of this out has become especially painful for me. When she was 4 years old, after sitting next to Santa and telling him what she wanted for Christmas, she walked away and then burst into tears. I asked what was wrong, and she told me she didn't think Santa was coming to her house because she was such a bad kid.When my 6 year old throws herself in my arms, sobbing that she is a bad girl, she doesn't know why she acts this way, and "why is it so hard?!"  R also suffers from nightmares. She told me she thinks God sends her nightmares because she is such a bad kid. It breaks my heart.

Now, if you have read this far and are expecting eye-opening advice and how to solve these parenting pickles, well, you're going to be sorely disappointed. I will admit that I have a very selfish reason in writing this post. First, it's quite cathartic. Second, because her issues are all in her brain, and she looks like a perfectly normal child, even I can forget the struggle that she faces at a daily basis. It's hard for me to not have the "why can't you get this through your head?" thoughts. Writing this allows me to take a step back and remember what she is experiencing, and that I have to handle myself accordingly. 

So what do I do about it? For now, we've worked out a system where the first time she hits (never hard, thankfully) she is given a warning. If she hits, kicks, pushes, pokes, pulls hair, etc she will be sent to her room to clean it. If she does it again after that, she gets to clean the playroom. I really can't think of what else to do. Time-outs are a battle. Spanking has no effect except to make us both feel terrible inside, and it damages our relationship. Also, I've resorted to bribery. If she gets out on the mat without any issues, does what she is supposed to do in class with no crying, she gets iPad time on the way home. Bribery, positive reinforcements, incentives, whatever you want to call it, it seems to help.

Now I want to know if any of you readers have experienced something similar. How do you handle these situations? What has worked? What's made it worse? Chime in!
 
 

Parenting Labels

Labels are a funny thing. It seems as if the world isn't content unless we are all safely categorized into our neat little compartments. We especially see this in politics. We need to be Democrat or Republican or Independent or Libertarian. We are either Conservative or Liberal. These are pretty straight forward, and most people easily identify with these particular labels.

Then there were the labels I didn't know existed. I discovered some during our homeschool adventure. What learning method do you use? Charlotte Mason? Calvert? Montessori? Unschooling? I get asked this all the time. I have no idea. So I use that other label that gets thrown in there:  Eclectic. That sounds right. I should be able to fit into the most general of those, right?

And, ah, the parenting labels. I don't seem to fit into any of these, either. I'm not a Crunchy Mama. While we did breastfeed, cloth diaper, baby-wear, co-sleep, make some of our own baby food, and we homeschool, we also vaccinate, buy our cleaners at the store instead of make them, and we use pull-ups. We aren't Organic-exclusive, except when I made baby food. We eat gluten and foods with red dye in them. So, we're not Crunchy, and we're not....Creamy?

I'm not a Helicopter mom. Much to the dismay of my husband, I let my kids fall down and get scrapes at the playground. I let them go explore in the woods. My rule of thumb is that I need to be able to see at least one body part at all times. Otherwise it's out of sight, out of mind and who knows what would happen then! I'm not a Free Range Mom. There is no way in hell in this day and age that my kid is going to wander the neighborhood unsupervised. Then again, R is only 6, so we really don't have to worry about it. But I will want to know where she's going, with who, and when she'll be back. I am also not a Tiger Mom. I won't even get into how terrible that whole thing sounds.

So, with all of these labels in my face, I'm going to make my own. Our family style is Weird. Everything we do is weird. We have weird bedtimes. Ever since my husband had to get a second job when R was born due to OT cutbacks, we go to bed late. Even now that he doesn't have that job, we still go to bed late, and we wake up late. People ask us how our kids are ever going to learn to be on a "regular" schedule. Well, I'm sure when the time comes that they have to wake up at a specific time, we'll figure it out. People change schedules all the time, I'm pretty sure we can handle that. And with our more nocturnal schedule, we get to experience a lot of neat things other families don't:  night hikes to look for owls, meteor showers, and late night dancing at festivals to name a few.

Another bit of weird:  R calls my husband by his first name. T is picking up on it. This will without fail stop people in their tracks. They look at us as if R demanded we get down on our hands and knees and worship her feet. Most people look at this as a sign of disrespect. Let me assure you, it's not. Affronted people look to me for the blame. Well, they get it from you. They hear what you always call him, they say. Not so, nosy neighbors! I usually call my husband "Daddy" in front of the girls. One rare day R heard me call him by his name, and she was delighted. She felt like she knew the biggest secret in the universe, and she was thrilled to share this secret with her daddy. For her, calling him by his name was not an issue of disrespect, but of love. She wanted him to be proud that she knew his name. Why didn't we correct her? I know my daughter well enough to know that she would feel ashamed if we told her not to do that and insist that she call him Daddy.  I refuse to make her ashamed of an act of love. So, she calls him by name. She also calls him Daddy. Weird.

I used to have a hard time with this labeling thing. I used to feel defensive. I felt that I was always explaining myself to people when they would give me their looks of incredulity at whatever parenting technique we were using at the time. But you know what? Our way works for us. That's what matters. We are happy, healthy, and we are thriving. If you Crunchy Mamas can say the same thing, then keep it up! Same for you Creamy, Helicopter, Free Range, Tiger, Hippy, Attachment, and whatever other labels you associate with. The key is raising happy, healthy kids in a safe environment. Don't ever feel defensive for doing what works for you!